Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Nothing to See Here Ladies, Move Along, Move Along.

Despite the marbles in his mouth, this guy had no trouble being understood.

After reading GONE GIRL I fully expected to write a review for my blog.  I will go ahead and say the book is good, really enjoyed it, well written, etc, but I’ve actually decided that there are more important issues to address than adding the two-millionth review of this wildly popular book to the internets.

It’s at this point in the post that I’d like to respectfully ask that all the ladies log off, power down, or, just generally, look the other way. 

Are they all gone?  Is it safe for us guys to talk now?


I have one big take away from this novel, and it’s this:

Women be trippin’. 

Guys, you don’t even know.  If you haven’t read this book yet, I highly recommend you do, if only for its value as a cautionary tale.  I’m not even sure how this thing got out into the mainstream.  It was clearly written as a how-to-manual for disgruntled wives, girlfriends, and long suffering fiancés everywhere.  My wife (love you, honey) recommended this one to me, much in the same way I think the Corleone family put a horse’s head in Mr. Woltz’s bed to encourage different behavior from him.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I’m saying GONE GIRL is a severed horse’s head dropped into the bed of men all over the country. 

Without giving away too much plot, the married couple in the book, Amy and Nick, are hitting their five year anniversary and things are not good.  The story revolves around the two different approaches these characters take to addressing that problem.  Did I mention earlier, women be trippin’? 

All I can say is, men, regardless of whether you read this book or not, find out what your women are doing!  Don’t zone out, don’t tune out, and don’t just nod while you’re watching the game and their lips are moving.  They are constantly giving us clues, constantly dropping hints.  Eye rolls are not an ocular-stretching exercise, exasperated sighs are not just a release of excess air, and toe tapping is not an involuntary reaction to an amazing song they’re thinking about in their heads.  And if this book is any indication, by the time these not-so-subtle clues become secret bank accounts, secondary e-mail addresses, and an overly intense interest in infomercials about Ginsu knife sets, it’s too late!   

If you’re concerned that you may have already missed too many warning signs (and, yes, you have) here’s my advice.  Without getting stalker-ish, find out what your woman is doing during the day.  Is she out having lunch with girlfriends? Is she holding down a secret job?  Obsessively bleaching the kitchen floor?  You may need to know these things. 

The tagline for this book could be (and may actually be) this: Do you really know each other at all?  Apparently, there’s a price to not clearing up that question with some urgency.  So once you do take the time to get to know your better half again, don’t forget to let her know that.  She might be dealing with lip from the kids while letting you look like the white knight.  Maybe she’s starting the laundry on Thursday so you don’t have to worry about it during the weekend.  Did she whip up your favorite little dessert without asking?  Whatever it is, notice (see above), appreciate (thanks, babe), reciprocate (picked up the girls, caught the dog, cupcakes!).  Repeat.

Then follow these steps like your life depends on it.  Just in case.

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